Vividly Disturbing

My worst nightmare came true on March 31, 2006 when my mom was murdered by her new husband, Joe, and he followed the crime with his own suicide. I haven't had a bad dream since, though this is not to say that I haven't had dreams where I awoke quite disturbed. I had one of those the night before last.

Adam, Sam, Joey and I were at my mom's house doing whatever we were doing. Joe walked in the door and I immediately felt threatened. Questions began running through my head as I watched him mill around the house. "What is HE doing here? Didn't he kill himself after he viciously murdered my mother? Should I call the police? He looks preoccupied and scheming... does he plan to strike again?" Adam, Sam and I watched him glaringly. I remembered that Joey (my boyfriend) had not met Joe, so I went to introduce them. We were in the master bedroom and Joe was going through the dresser drawers like he was looking for something. "Joe, meet Joe." I interrupted the search. Joe, wide-eyed, turned abruptly to face the two of us. He stared sternly and mischeviously into Joey's eyes and said "Well why don't you just take a good look at me!" He was taunting us and playing with my emotions. He was crazy. It was like a madhouse where his face spun with white make-up to intensify guilt. We left the room. I couldn't take it. I paced around the house breathing heavily, wondering what to do. I asked Adam if I should call the cops and he said "Yes." I replied with "Do you think it will do anything? This is just a dream..." The dialog dropped off but the thought still resonated. ...joe is dead... this is just a dream... this is just a dream... I woke up.

I rolled onto my stomach and Joey woke up. I hugged my pillow. "I just had a very vivid dream. It was awful." I told him about it and he hugged me tightly. I couldn't get the image of Joe's scary-clown-in-a-funhouse-face out of my head.

ANALYSIS:
Perhaps I'm afraid of knowing if Joe hadn't commited suicide, if he would have felt any remorse. I often wonder how my mom would have handled his suicide if she would have survived. I know it would have left her highly depressed, and she would have asked the same questions.. "Why did he do it? Wasn't he happy? Why did he try to kill me too? What does this say about me?" Of course, this is not debatable. I wonder if the reason he took her too was to keep her from being alone after his death. Of course, I wonder why he took either of their lives, but hers most-of-all. Did he plan on just injuring her so she wouldn't see him off himself? Did he kill her intentionally? Did he know that the one bullet would sever every major artery across her chest and make her bleed to death? What went wrong inside his brain? Why did he think it was a good idea? Didn't he think that if he takes out both owners of the house, where would all the stuff go? Didn't he think about us (the kids)? Of course, none of this is debatable. These are questions that can and will never be answered. Sad.

This crap stews around in my head every single day. You can tell me to stop, and I can say that I'll try, but it won't happen. I can't NOT think about my mom and why this unfortunate event happened. But I know that I can't dwell on the things that aren't reversable. There are just so many "what if's" that torture me. And as much as I think this happened to me, it happened to my mother first and foremost. SHE lost her life, and that tortures me the most. Why do bad things always happen to good people?

peace of mind