She came, she smiled, and she was higher than a kite.

My mom. She has been in so many of my dreams... at least the ones I can remember. This one was very funny and incredibly refreshing. The only thing is, I can't really remember anything except for one part.

I was in my apartment, which looked similar to Wright State dorm rooms, at least when you looked at the front door. She walked in smiling wider than I had ever seen and her eyes were bright red. "Are you high?" I asked her. She giggled. She started doing her little laugh that she used to do when she was being silly, showing her teeth with her mouth wide open. I knew this was my chance to smoke with my mom; a dream I had always wanted to fulfill. "Do you want to smoke the bong?" I asked her. She seemed more eager than I was and we ended up having a really fun time together.

Man... I soo wish I would have had the chance to do that with her. Of course, I know how she felt about my brother Adam smoking, so I doubt we would have had any kind of casual conversation about pot. I woke up almost laughing because I had never seen my mom like that; I had never seen her intoxicated, especially from the wacky-tobaccy. She told me about the last time she smoked and it was kinda sad because she got sick. She said she had also been drinking wine, which never really mixes well with pot, at least for those of us with touchy immune systems.

ANALYSIS: Maybe it was just a dream come true?

Off topic, but relevant: Family therapy on Tuesday. We'll see how it goes. I'm a bit leary about the experience, considering I wouldn't ask for help if I were blind, naked, and stuck in quicksand. I wouldn't say I'm stubborn in that fashion, maybe just a bit self riteous. But a month or so ago I had a little breakdown (it was the week before exams at school.. I had multiple papers due, and I was on my period), called my dad, and in my vulnerable state, said counseling wouldn't be such a bad idea. Of course, therapy is supposed to be a good thing and I'm sure it will be fine and dandy. Will it?

peace and lychee black tea

Vividly Disturbing

My worst nightmare came true on March 31, 2006 when my mom was murdered by her new husband, Joe, and he followed the crime with his own suicide. I haven't had a bad dream since, though this is not to say that I haven't had dreams where I awoke quite disturbed. I had one of those the night before last.

Adam, Sam, Joey and I were at my mom's house doing whatever we were doing. Joe walked in the door and I immediately felt threatened. Questions began running through my head as I watched him mill around the house. "What is HE doing here? Didn't he kill himself after he viciously murdered my mother? Should I call the police? He looks preoccupied and scheming... does he plan to strike again?" Adam, Sam and I watched him glaringly. I remembered that Joey (my boyfriend) had not met Joe, so I went to introduce them. We were in the master bedroom and Joe was going through the dresser drawers like he was looking for something. "Joe, meet Joe." I interrupted the search. Joe, wide-eyed, turned abruptly to face the two of us. He stared sternly and mischeviously into Joey's eyes and said "Well why don't you just take a good look at me!" He was taunting us and playing with my emotions. He was crazy. It was like a madhouse where his face spun with white make-up to intensify guilt. We left the room. I couldn't take it. I paced around the house breathing heavily, wondering what to do. I asked Adam if I should call the cops and he said "Yes." I replied with "Do you think it will do anything? This is just a dream..." The dialog dropped off but the thought still resonated. ...joe is dead... this is just a dream... this is just a dream... I woke up.

I rolled onto my stomach and Joey woke up. I hugged my pillow. "I just had a very vivid dream. It was awful." I told him about it and he hugged me tightly. I couldn't get the image of Joe's scary-clown-in-a-funhouse-face out of my head.

ANALYSIS:
Perhaps I'm afraid of knowing if Joe hadn't commited suicide, if he would have felt any remorse. I often wonder how my mom would have handled his suicide if she would have survived. I know it would have left her highly depressed, and she would have asked the same questions.. "Why did he do it? Wasn't he happy? Why did he try to kill me too? What does this say about me?" Of course, this is not debatable. I wonder if the reason he took her too was to keep her from being alone after his death. Of course, I wonder why he took either of their lives, but hers most-of-all. Did he plan on just injuring her so she wouldn't see him off himself? Did he kill her intentionally? Did he know that the one bullet would sever every major artery across her chest and make her bleed to death? What went wrong inside his brain? Why did he think it was a good idea? Didn't he think that if he takes out both owners of the house, where would all the stuff go? Didn't he think about us (the kids)? Of course, none of this is debatable. These are questions that can and will never be answered. Sad.

This crap stews around in my head every single day. You can tell me to stop, and I can say that I'll try, but it won't happen. I can't NOT think about my mom and why this unfortunate event happened. But I know that I can't dwell on the things that aren't reversable. There are just so many "what if's" that torture me. And as much as I think this happened to me, it happened to my mother first and foremost. SHE lost her life, and that tortures me the most. Why do bad things always happen to good people?

peace of mind

Sad..

I woke up this morning and cried.. I hate those kinds of dreams. Here we go:

I, for some reason, was battling the baby-boomers and my brothers were killed. Sam was buried underneath the bleachers. The bleachers were facing the stage where one of the youths was announcing our victory over the baby-boomers. I went under the bleachers were my friend Ericka was observing the stone grave (I haven't seen or talked to Ericka in well over two years, and we were only surface friends). It was a circle of stones and a small headstone with his name on it (it was comparable to the grave we made for our dog that died when we were younger). She told me she was sorry... I stared at the grave in disbelief that my brother was gone. The next scene I remember was me running across a darkened street with a gun in my hand, and I was apparently going to the restaurant that my other brother works at currently. But I was going there to reassure myself that he, too, was dead. He died in some battle as well.

I woke up and told Joey that I had a terrible dream.. that my brothers both died in this weird battle. The tears just came... it wasn't a sobbing cry, but tears ran down my cheeks for a couple seconds. I could not imagine losing one of my brothers anytime soon. I guess this could be the analysis that I'm afraid of losing everyone important to me. After losing my mom as abruptly as I did, I'm just afraid it will happen to the ones I care about. I would lose my mind.

Sexy Sexy

I had the best sex dream ever. I won't go into great detail, but it was actually kinda neat. I was with my boyfriend in my room, but I lived in a tall building in the city. Still lived in my three-floor townhouse, just on top of a building. There were windows on all sides of the room and I had an extended wall with a bunk bed in place, and I still had my own bed where it exists in my current bedroom. My brother was in the basement playing the guitar, which is normal. Well first, I jumped Joey's bones on my bed and we made our way to the top bunk back in the corner. Things were happening, things were happening, and then we noticed the Haiti* flying saucers floating around in the sky, hovering around my building and others in the distance.

*[ these guys made a movie down in Haiti using computer generated flying saucers and put it up on youtube.com. the purpose of the movie was to make those that viewed it believe that there were actual flying saucers in Haiti. it was a hoax, but incredibly realistic.]

We sat on one of the seats underneath one of the windows and waited for one of the saucers to fly by. One that looked like a huge mechanical bug made its way over to us and we saw the drivers. We waved at them, they waved back, and we threw them the horns. They flew away and we continued our activity on the top bunk.

When I woke up, I was very pleased to see my boyfriend laying right there, as he explained that he also had a sexy dream, so we made each others dreams come true... that's all.

I just wanna fly...

My friend told me about what's called "lucid dreaming" where you can control your movements in your dreams. He mentioned the process and said he would log his own, but never followed through. He left me hanging! So with that cliff-hanger, I began thinking about doing it myself. SO here spawns my dreams journal!

The process goes like this: The first thing to do is remember your dreams. When you wake up in the morning, figure out if you dreamt at all. If you have, take a journal and write down everything you can remember about the dream. Write down especially the indicators that let you know it is, in fact, a dream (the sky is purple... being naked in public.. etc). The more you take note, the more you will start to remember in new dreams and will be able to pin-point those indicators. After logging your sleep activity for so long, you'll be able to realize when you're dreaming and can then control what you do in those dreams!

Lately, I've been having some crazy dreams. Well, most dreams that I have are crazy... Not unrealistic, just very odd. A couple days ago I dreamt that I was a single mother of a 5 year-old boy who was SO cute and well mannered! He had blonde hair, which made me think that it wasn't my current boyfriend's kid (Joey has dark brown hair), which also let me know that we weren't together anymore. I lived at my dad's house by myself and took my son to the neighbor's house across the street while wearing only a towel. The neighbors were having a party and my best friend Amanda and her son were there too. Her son was about 8 and kinda big and goofy (btw- she just had him in january). He and my son got along and played together... and it faded away. It seems that most of my dreams are comparable to real situations. They just have something weird about them (only wearing a towel... ).

The night before last in a nutshell: I was in the marching band again... riding the bus on the way to a show, I planted a bomb under one of the seats... the driver was an escaped convict... silly.

This morning's dream was cute, and then quickly catapulted into creepy. I woke up and went out to my car for some reason. My brother (whom I live with) wasn't awake, as it was only 5 in the morning. On my way back into the house, my brother came out of his car and walked in with me. His friends were over making breakfast and they brought kitties and kittens!! There were kitties everywhere! There were even kittens that were like the size of ants (don't ask me how..). So I was overwhelmed by these kitties as I made my way to the stairs, and I noticed about a dozen huge spiders lined up against the wall. I turned to my brother to tell him and the spiders turned into dozens of little pinchy crabs! They went after all the kitties and pinched their little paws and ate the tiny ones! There were so many little kitty cries it broke my heart! Then my alarm went off. It was terrible! I woke up feeling so bad for the tiny little kitties.. and when I walked downstairs, my Heffer kitty was laying on his back, doing his cute little "hey look at me and pet my tummy" thing. That made me laugh, as it always does. And then I forgot all about the pinchy crabs and the tiny kitties.

So much to talk about dreams! I guess I'll talk more about it later!