I had three dreams the night before last and I remembered all of them long enough to tell my boyfriend, but not long enough to be able to write about them right now. I do remember two of them though, but only because they had to do with my boyfriend cheating on me.
I have never been cheated on, nor have I ever been a cheater myself, but I have always had the fear due to my own insecurities (and those prompted by society). I'm very confident that my current relationship will last for a looooong time, and he will never even THINK of cheating on me due to his over-flowing love for me. But I was lucky enough to find a guy who I could show what real love is, and I think I got him hooked. He actually had a dream a couple weeks ago about me cheating. He said during the dream he remembered feeling lost and completely depressed, unable to function correctly. He was immediately relieved when he realized it was just a dream, but it set his mood and left him kind-of bitter and uneasy the rest of the day. I shared this feeling all day yesterday and it was awful. Here we go:
FIRST DREAM:
Of what I can remember, it took place mostly at my brother's old apartment in Fairborn. I was standing in his bedroom looking out into the kitchen where Joey stood next to a blonde girl. They didn't show any particular interest in each other, but they came in and left together. She was "just a friend." Yea right. The next scene cut to a bar setting, where we met up with some of my friends and his friend Joel. I was sitting at one end of the bar with my friend (I don't remember who it was) and Joey, Joel and the blonde chick sat at the other end of the bar. The only conclusion I could draw for why he didn't sit next to me was that he didn't want the blonde chick to know I was his girlfriend. By the end of the dream, I had not confronted him about it yet, and I moved on to a different dream. But that was the dream I didn't remember, so allow me to move on to the third dream.
THIRD DREAM:
We were on vacation to a lake somewhere with our friends, and there were still remnants of the blonde girl in my head. I couldn't shake the fact that he cheated on me earlier, so I went out to confront him. He was swimming in the lake with a group of other girls and I noticed he and this cute/skinny red-head were bobbing up and down in the water, giggling with excitement. They were obviously doing things underwater, and I was not having it. I yelled at him to "come here!" When he got in my boat (yea, I was in a boat) I said "What the hell do you think you are doing?!" He said "As far as I know, it's still my choice" referring to the fact that we are not legally bound to each other, allowing him to do whatever he wants. This is true, but when we are sharing bills and a life together, I expect him to be honest about the feelings he has regarding our relationship. I woke up.
SYNOPSIS:
I think this has to do with our current financial instability and how it has induced strain upon our relationship. We have had to tighten our budget and really pay close attention to our bank accounts, and the fact that he doesn't have a job really stresses both of us out. Neither of us are insecure about our relationship, but our future as it pans out in the next couple months is a bit sketchy. We don't know where we'll be living... we don't know where we'll be working... we don't know if we'll be able to go month-to-month at our current place... if we can go month-to-month, we'll be able to plan a little better and not have to break the lease. If we can't, then we'll have to sign another year lease and risk breaking it if one of use is offered a job elsewhere. But I don't want to have to break my lease, and I don't want to move close to my current job, only to have to move again if one of us is (again) offered a job elsewhere. We can't do any more than we're already doing, and the job market in our area is dreadful. The GM-Moraine Plant has stopped some production, cutting of thousands of jobs, and DHL in Wilmington is cutting about 6000 jobs soon. The local economy is going down, and we can't do anything but cross our fingers and look elsewhere. I need to go...
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
my cat keeps coming back, but never stays
I let my cat out about a month ago and he hasn't come back yet.. I got a call from a guy the other day and he said he may have seen my cat running in and out of the bushes behind his apartment, and said he would try to coax kitty up to the back porch. It has yet to prove successful, but I'm not giving my hopes up.
In the meantime, I've had four dreams about Heffer coming home, each one displaying a different scenario. Here we go:
FIRST DREAM:
He jumped up on the back of the couch as my brother Sam was walking in (Sam has been living out in Hollywood for a while now, and in the dream he had come back to visit). His fur was soft and un-teased, as he had only been gone for a couple days at this point.
SECOND DREAM:
This one was about two weeks after he went missing. Heffer crawled in through our front window and he was exhausted. His fur was mangled and knotted with twigs and dirt. Some of the fur on his top half was thinning and his pink skin was slightly exposed. He looked like he was balding.
THIRD DREAM:
We found him stuck in the bushes and he would not come close to us (my boyfriend Joey and me). We reached out and he batted at our hands and hissed. When we finally picked him up, he wiggled and struggled to try and get out of my arms, screaming bloody murder. He seemed rabid and in need of some immediate medical attention. His skin was raw and scabbing, and his fur was patchy and thin (at least what was left of it). He had soars all over his body and his paws were chaffed and unrecognizable. I said to Joey "I should probably take this kitty to the vet..." I was then sitting on the couch at Joey's feet and I happened to notice that he, too, had soars all over his hands and feet! He's allergic to cats and has had some expected problems living with one, but this was just gross. His fingers became attached with infection and his feet were inconcievably scabbed and red. He stood up with a blanket wrapped around him and he began to pout. I asked him if he needed to go to the hospital and he sank his face into my shoulder crying. "Yea..." he said with a moan. I then started to question whether he would be able to afford health care because he is currently unemployed. The end of the conversation never took place, or I don't remember it.
THIS MORNING:
Heffer came up to the back porch and ate out of the bowl I had set out in case he returned. Then he left again and I was curious of where he was going. I watched him go to some old lady's porch and she let him inside as if he was now HER cat. I peered over the fence into her kitchen and she sat at her table knitting with a scowl on her face. She didn't seem like the most confrontable of women, but I wanted my cat back. I started yelling to get her attention and eventually began knocking on her back door. "Hey, excuse me.. That's my cat. exCUSE me!" She didn't look at me, in fact, I knew she heard me and was ignoring my desperation. fin.
SYNOPSIS:
It's funny that I dreamt so much about him, and it's even funnier that I almost accurately dreamt the different scenarios I had been thinking of since he's been gone. My boyfriend even had a few dreams about my cat coming back and he wasn't even much of a fan of the feline. He liked him well enough because he was cute and had ridiculous characteristics, but as mentioned before, Joey has terrible allergies and the cat didn't help much. I posted a couple signs around my immediate area and actually got a couple calls about it. But the only thing they were able to tell me was that they may have seen him and would let me know. I haven't heard much of anything else and I'm running out of hope... but I'm not giving up.
peace.
In the meantime, I've had four dreams about Heffer coming home, each one displaying a different scenario. Here we go:
FIRST DREAM:
He jumped up on the back of the couch as my brother Sam was walking in (Sam has been living out in Hollywood for a while now, and in the dream he had come back to visit). His fur was soft and un-teased, as he had only been gone for a couple days at this point.
SECOND DREAM:
This one was about two weeks after he went missing. Heffer crawled in through our front window and he was exhausted. His fur was mangled and knotted with twigs and dirt. Some of the fur on his top half was thinning and his pink skin was slightly exposed. He looked like he was balding.
THIRD DREAM:
We found him stuck in the bushes and he would not come close to us (my boyfriend Joey and me). We reached out and he batted at our hands and hissed. When we finally picked him up, he wiggled and struggled to try and get out of my arms, screaming bloody murder. He seemed rabid and in need of some immediate medical attention. His skin was raw and scabbing, and his fur was patchy and thin (at least what was left of it). He had soars all over his body and his paws were chaffed and unrecognizable. I said to Joey "I should probably take this kitty to the vet..." I was then sitting on the couch at Joey's feet and I happened to notice that he, too, had soars all over his hands and feet! He's allergic to cats and has had some expected problems living with one, but this was just gross. His fingers became attached with infection and his feet were inconcievably scabbed and red. He stood up with a blanket wrapped around him and he began to pout. I asked him if he needed to go to the hospital and he sank his face into my shoulder crying. "Yea..." he said with a moan. I then started to question whether he would be able to afford health care because he is currently unemployed. The end of the conversation never took place, or I don't remember it.
THIS MORNING:
Heffer came up to the back porch and ate out of the bowl I had set out in case he returned. Then he left again and I was curious of where he was going. I watched him go to some old lady's porch and she let him inside as if he was now HER cat. I peered over the fence into her kitchen and she sat at her table knitting with a scowl on her face. She didn't seem like the most confrontable of women, but I wanted my cat back. I started yelling to get her attention and eventually began knocking on her back door. "Hey, excuse me.. That's my cat. exCUSE me!" She didn't look at me, in fact, I knew she heard me and was ignoring my desperation. fin.
SYNOPSIS:
It's funny that I dreamt so much about him, and it's even funnier that I almost accurately dreamt the different scenarios I had been thinking of since he's been gone. My boyfriend even had a few dreams about my cat coming back and he wasn't even much of a fan of the feline. He liked him well enough because he was cute and had ridiculous characteristics, but as mentioned before, Joey has terrible allergies and the cat didn't help much. I posted a couple signs around my immediate area and actually got a couple calls about it. But the only thing they were able to tell me was that they may have seen him and would let me know. I haven't heard much of anything else and I'm running out of hope... but I'm not giving up.
peace.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Two Dreams: Part 2
It's coming around to that time again where I mourn the loss of my mother on the date in which she was taken from us: March 31. I usually tend to start thinking about her a lot during the month of March, and it effects my dreams too. This one was long, but I can only remember the part that my mom appeared for a few seconds.
It's Easter, so everyone is freaking out about family get-togethers and chocolate rabbits. In the dream, I was explaining to my mom how much holidays suck without her because my dad sucks at planning. She was sitting there listening to me and I said "Mom, I miss you so much" and she simply said "Yea, I know. Don't worry, everything will be ok."
I woke up and cried... as I usually do when I dream realistically about my mom. It just sucks because I will never feel differently about what happened and I will always get choked up when I think about the events of that terrible day. Oh what a terrible day. I can assure myself, though, that no other day can be worse than that one, so I will never have another "worst day of my life" and expect people to feel sorry for me. I can only have a second worst day of my life, and I devote that one to my dad. Let's hope that doesn't come anytime soon though.. let's say until I'm at least a grandmother.
It's Easter, so everyone is freaking out about family get-togethers and chocolate rabbits. In the dream, I was explaining to my mom how much holidays suck without her because my dad sucks at planning. She was sitting there listening to me and I said "Mom, I miss you so much" and she simply said "Yea, I know. Don't worry, everything will be ok."
I woke up and cried... as I usually do when I dream realistically about my mom. It just sucks because I will never feel differently about what happened and I will always get choked up when I think about the events of that terrible day. Oh what a terrible day. I can assure myself, though, that no other day can be worse than that one, so I will never have another "worst day of my life" and expect people to feel sorry for me. I can only have a second worst day of my life, and I devote that one to my dad. Let's hope that doesn't come anytime soon though.. let's say until I'm at least a grandmother.
Two Dreams: Part 1
I came home from work on Friday morning at 9:45 and went back to sleep. Luckily for me, I had an awesome dream and woke up in a great mood just a couple hours later. Here we go:
I remember being in my friend Jeff's apartment, only, it wasn't an apartment, it was a huge house. The front room in the house looked exactly like the front room in his real apartment, but back where the hallway usually exists were three steps up into the rest of this giant house. Everything was white and neat, and I almost was afraid to tough anything. But I knew Jeff was cool and wouldn't really care. All of us were smoking and having a good time and once we discovered there were more rooms, we scattered ("we" includes: rachelle (best friend), sam (brother), jeff, joey (boyfriend), and me). Next scene: Joey and I are half-naked in this little nook outside the front room. For unknown reasons, we were rockin' out naked and weren't even having sex or anything. A loud knock on the front door scared us all (yunno, the paranoia that comes with smoking, you think everyone on the outside is a cop). I looked back at Jeff, who poked his head out from within the front room, and we all freaked out and tried to hide. Joey and I grabbed our loose body-parts and clothes, and ran upstairs. The stairs began in front of the door and went up about half-way, turned, and extended across the floor like a bridge to the rooms in the back of the house. Joey and I separated and fended for ourselves. I went in the room on the left and tried to hide underneath this window seat cushion. What seemed like a couple minutes later, Sam and my dad found me, uncovered me, and said that some director just came to the door and we were all part of the film crew. I got my clothes back on and I went to the next scene. So now I was outside and my dad was explaining to me that all of us got these neat jackets for working on the movie. We walked over to the van that the director came in and he held up a hangar holding the jacket. It was an average blue wind-breaker with the movie title on it, and appreciative of recieving it in the first place, I said "awesome" and nodded my head in acceptance. "Wait, that's not the cool part" my dad said. "You have to OPEN the jacket.." When I unzipped it and pulled open the flaps I saw a fuzzy, gold and black, shimmery, Batman logo. Apparently everyone got a jacket with a different superhero logo inside. Sam got Superman. I woke up.
ANALYSIS:
OK, after telling this dream to several, I have come to the conclusion that the image of the house probably signifies my lust for extravagance and success. Of course, I know this is a common lust among many, and those who qualify take advantage of it. I think of the Simpsons episode where at the beginning, Krusty sets hundred-dollar bills, pearl necklaces, and rare antiques on fire with his Zippo just to light a cigarette while he gambles thousands away on horse races and boxing matches. But although I know it's just an image that most people fall in love with, it's the success part that I want. And to piggy-back the success, I want to change the system from the inside. Oh dreams... that's what this blog is for, I guess.. to spew out what seems untouchable.
Back to the dream, though. Sam was out in LA for a couple weeks and he had such a great time. He told me that I would love it out there and should maybe consider taking my career in that direction. I considered it... and I think the dream was my manifestation of being successful and glamorous in LA. Big mansion, everything is white, the hallways were all cool and unique. Of COURSE I want that crazy rich stuff! But I was to achieve it ethically, honestly, and morally. I don't want to cheat the system like so many have and still do. I'm not dishonest like that, and I could never hurt other people for personal gain. I'm not Paris Hilton.
I remember being in my friend Jeff's apartment, only, it wasn't an apartment, it was a huge house. The front room in the house looked exactly like the front room in his real apartment, but back where the hallway usually exists were three steps up into the rest of this giant house. Everything was white and neat, and I almost was afraid to tough anything. But I knew Jeff was cool and wouldn't really care. All of us were smoking and having a good time and once we discovered there were more rooms, we scattered ("we" includes: rachelle (best friend), sam (brother), jeff, joey (boyfriend), and me). Next scene: Joey and I are half-naked in this little nook outside the front room. For unknown reasons, we were rockin' out naked and weren't even having sex or anything. A loud knock on the front door scared us all (yunno, the paranoia that comes with smoking, you think everyone on the outside is a cop). I looked back at Jeff, who poked his head out from within the front room, and we all freaked out and tried to hide. Joey and I grabbed our loose body-parts and clothes, and ran upstairs. The stairs began in front of the door and went up about half-way, turned, and extended across the floor like a bridge to the rooms in the back of the house. Joey and I separated and fended for ourselves. I went in the room on the left and tried to hide underneath this window seat cushion. What seemed like a couple minutes later, Sam and my dad found me, uncovered me, and said that some director just came to the door and we were all part of the film crew. I got my clothes back on and I went to the next scene. So now I was outside and my dad was explaining to me that all of us got these neat jackets for working on the movie. We walked over to the van that the director came in and he held up a hangar holding the jacket. It was an average blue wind-breaker with the movie title on it, and appreciative of recieving it in the first place, I said "awesome" and nodded my head in acceptance. "Wait, that's not the cool part" my dad said. "You have to OPEN the jacket.." When I unzipped it and pulled open the flaps I saw a fuzzy, gold and black, shimmery, Batman logo. Apparently everyone got a jacket with a different superhero logo inside. Sam got Superman. I woke up.
ANALYSIS:
OK, after telling this dream to several, I have come to the conclusion that the image of the house probably signifies my lust for extravagance and success. Of course, I know this is a common lust among many, and those who qualify take advantage of it. I think of the Simpsons episode where at the beginning, Krusty sets hundred-dollar bills, pearl necklaces, and rare antiques on fire with his Zippo just to light a cigarette while he gambles thousands away on horse races and boxing matches. But although I know it's just an image that most people fall in love with, it's the success part that I want. And to piggy-back the success, I want to change the system from the inside. Oh dreams... that's what this blog is for, I guess.. to spew out what seems untouchable.
Back to the dream, though. Sam was out in LA for a couple weeks and he had such a great time. He told me that I would love it out there and should maybe consider taking my career in that direction. I considered it... and I think the dream was my manifestation of being successful and glamorous in LA. Big mansion, everything is white, the hallways were all cool and unique. Of COURSE I want that crazy rich stuff! But I was to achieve it ethically, honestly, and morally. I don't want to cheat the system like so many have and still do. I'm not dishonest like that, and I could never hurt other people for personal gain. I'm not Paris Hilton.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
She came, she smiled, and she was higher than a kite.
My mom. She has been in so many of my dreams... at least the ones I can remember. This one was very funny and incredibly refreshing. The only thing is, I can't really remember anything except for one part.
I was in my apartment, which looked similar to Wright State dorm rooms, at least when you looked at the front door. She walked in smiling wider than I had ever seen and her eyes were bright red. "Are you high?" I asked her. She giggled. She started doing her little laugh that she used to do when she was being silly, showing her teeth with her mouth wide open. I knew this was my chance to smoke with my mom; a dream I had always wanted to fulfill. "Do you want to smoke the bong?" I asked her. She seemed more eager than I was and we ended up having a really fun time together.
Man... I soo wish I would have had the chance to do that with her. Of course, I know how she felt about my brother Adam smoking, so I doubt we would have had any kind of casual conversation about pot. I woke up almost laughing because I had never seen my mom like that; I had never seen her intoxicated, especially from the wacky-tobaccy. She told me about the last time she smoked and it was kinda sad because she got sick. She said she had also been drinking wine, which never really mixes well with pot, at least for those of us with touchy immune systems.
ANALYSIS: Maybe it was just a dream come true?
Off topic, but relevant: Family therapy on Tuesday. We'll see how it goes. I'm a bit leary about the experience, considering I wouldn't ask for help if I were blind, naked, and stuck in quicksand. I wouldn't say I'm stubborn in that fashion, maybe just a bit self riteous. But a month or so ago I had a little breakdown (it was the week before exams at school.. I had multiple papers due, and I was on my period), called my dad, and in my vulnerable state, said counseling wouldn't be such a bad idea. Of course, therapy is supposed to be a good thing and I'm sure it will be fine and dandy. Will it?
peace and lychee black tea
I was in my apartment, which looked similar to Wright State dorm rooms, at least when you looked at the front door. She walked in smiling wider than I had ever seen and her eyes were bright red. "Are you high?" I asked her. She giggled. She started doing her little laugh that she used to do when she was being silly, showing her teeth with her mouth wide open. I knew this was my chance to smoke with my mom; a dream I had always wanted to fulfill. "Do you want to smoke the bong?" I asked her. She seemed more eager than I was and we ended up having a really fun time together.
Man... I soo wish I would have had the chance to do that with her. Of course, I know how she felt about my brother Adam smoking, so I doubt we would have had any kind of casual conversation about pot. I woke up almost laughing because I had never seen my mom like that; I had never seen her intoxicated, especially from the wacky-tobaccy. She told me about the last time she smoked and it was kinda sad because she got sick. She said she had also been drinking wine, which never really mixes well with pot, at least for those of us with touchy immune systems.
ANALYSIS: Maybe it was just a dream come true?
Off topic, but relevant: Family therapy on Tuesday. We'll see how it goes. I'm a bit leary about the experience, considering I wouldn't ask for help if I were blind, naked, and stuck in quicksand. I wouldn't say I'm stubborn in that fashion, maybe just a bit self riteous. But a month or so ago I had a little breakdown (it was the week before exams at school.. I had multiple papers due, and I was on my period), called my dad, and in my vulnerable state, said counseling wouldn't be such a bad idea. Of course, therapy is supposed to be a good thing and I'm sure it will be fine and dandy. Will it?
peace and lychee black tea
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Vividly Disturbing
My worst nightmare came true on March 31, 2006 when my mom was murdered by her new husband, Joe, and he followed the crime with his own suicide. I haven't had a bad dream since, though this is not to say that I haven't had dreams where I awoke quite disturbed. I had one of those the night before last.
Adam, Sam, Joey and I were at my mom's house doing whatever we were doing. Joe walked in the door and I immediately felt threatened. Questions began running through my head as I watched him mill around the house. "What is HE doing here? Didn't he kill himself after he viciously murdered my mother? Should I call the police? He looks preoccupied and scheming... does he plan to strike again?" Adam, Sam and I watched him glaringly. I remembered that Joey (my boyfriend) had not met Joe, so I went to introduce them. We were in the master bedroom and Joe was going through the dresser drawers like he was looking for something. "Joe, meet Joe." I interrupted the search. Joe, wide-eyed, turned abruptly to face the two of us. He stared sternly and mischeviously into Joey's eyes and said "Well why don't you just take a good look at me!" He was taunting us and playing with my emotions. He was crazy. It was like a madhouse where his face spun with white make-up to intensify guilt. We left the room. I couldn't take it. I paced around the house breathing heavily, wondering what to do. I asked Adam if I should call the cops and he said "Yes." I replied with "Do you think it will do anything? This is just a dream..." The dialog dropped off but the thought still resonated. ...joe is dead... this is just a dream... this is just a dream... I woke up.
I rolled onto my stomach and Joey woke up. I hugged my pillow. "I just had a very vivid dream. It was awful." I told him about it and he hugged me tightly. I couldn't get the image of Joe's scary-clown-in-a-funhouse-face out of my head.
ANALYSIS:
Perhaps I'm afraid of knowing if Joe hadn't commited suicide, if he would have felt any remorse. I often wonder how my mom would have handled his suicide if she would have survived. I know it would have left her highly depressed, and she would have asked the same questions.. "Why did he do it? Wasn't he happy? Why did he try to kill me too? What does this say about me?" Of course, this is not debatable. I wonder if the reason he took her too was to keep her from being alone after his death. Of course, I wonder why he took either of their lives, but hers most-of-all. Did he plan on just injuring her so she wouldn't see him off himself? Did he kill her intentionally? Did he know that the one bullet would sever every major artery across her chest and make her bleed to death? What went wrong inside his brain? Why did he think it was a good idea? Didn't he think that if he takes out both owners of the house, where would all the stuff go? Didn't he think about us (the kids)? Of course, none of this is debatable. These are questions that can and will never be answered. Sad.
This crap stews around in my head every single day. You can tell me to stop, and I can say that I'll try, but it won't happen. I can't NOT think about my mom and why this unfortunate event happened. But I know that I can't dwell on the things that aren't reversable. There are just so many "what if's" that torture me. And as much as I think this happened to me, it happened to my mother first and foremost. SHE lost her life, and that tortures me the most. Why do bad things always happen to good people?
peace of mind
Adam, Sam, Joey and I were at my mom's house doing whatever we were doing. Joe walked in the door and I immediately felt threatened. Questions began running through my head as I watched him mill around the house. "What is HE doing here? Didn't he kill himself after he viciously murdered my mother? Should I call the police? He looks preoccupied and scheming... does he plan to strike again?" Adam, Sam and I watched him glaringly. I remembered that Joey (my boyfriend) had not met Joe, so I went to introduce them. We were in the master bedroom and Joe was going through the dresser drawers like he was looking for something. "Joe, meet Joe." I interrupted the search. Joe, wide-eyed, turned abruptly to face the two of us. He stared sternly and mischeviously into Joey's eyes and said "Well why don't you just take a good look at me!" He was taunting us and playing with my emotions. He was crazy. It was like a madhouse where his face spun with white make-up to intensify guilt. We left the room. I couldn't take it. I paced around the house breathing heavily, wondering what to do. I asked Adam if I should call the cops and he said "Yes." I replied with "Do you think it will do anything? This is just a dream..." The dialog dropped off but the thought still resonated. ...joe is dead... this is just a dream... this is just a dream... I woke up.
I rolled onto my stomach and Joey woke up. I hugged my pillow. "I just had a very vivid dream. It was awful." I told him about it and he hugged me tightly. I couldn't get the image of Joe's scary-clown-in-a-funhouse-face out of my head.
ANALYSIS:
Perhaps I'm afraid of knowing if Joe hadn't commited suicide, if he would have felt any remorse. I often wonder how my mom would have handled his suicide if she would have survived. I know it would have left her highly depressed, and she would have asked the same questions.. "Why did he do it? Wasn't he happy? Why did he try to kill me too? What does this say about me?" Of course, this is not debatable. I wonder if the reason he took her too was to keep her from being alone after his death. Of course, I wonder why he took either of their lives, but hers most-of-all. Did he plan on just injuring her so she wouldn't see him off himself? Did he kill her intentionally? Did he know that the one bullet would sever every major artery across her chest and make her bleed to death? What went wrong inside his brain? Why did he think it was a good idea? Didn't he think that if he takes out both owners of the house, where would all the stuff go? Didn't he think about us (the kids)? Of course, none of this is debatable. These are questions that can and will never be answered. Sad.
This crap stews around in my head every single day. You can tell me to stop, and I can say that I'll try, but it won't happen. I can't NOT think about my mom and why this unfortunate event happened. But I know that I can't dwell on the things that aren't reversable. There are just so many "what if's" that torture me. And as much as I think this happened to me, it happened to my mother first and foremost. SHE lost her life, and that tortures me the most. Why do bad things always happen to good people?
peace of mind
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Sad..
I woke up this morning and cried.. I hate those kinds of dreams. Here we go:
I, for some reason, was battling the baby-boomers and my brothers were killed. Sam was buried underneath the bleachers. The bleachers were facing the stage where one of the youths was announcing our victory over the baby-boomers. I went under the bleachers were my friend Ericka was observing the stone grave (I haven't seen or talked to Ericka in well over two years, and we were only surface friends). It was a circle of stones and a small headstone with his name on it (it was comparable to the grave we made for our dog that died when we were younger). She told me she was sorry... I stared at the grave in disbelief that my brother was gone. The next scene I remember was me running across a darkened street with a gun in my hand, and I was apparently going to the restaurant that my other brother works at currently. But I was going there to reassure myself that he, too, was dead. He died in some battle as well.
I woke up and told Joey that I had a terrible dream.. that my brothers both died in this weird battle. The tears just came... it wasn't a sobbing cry, but tears ran down my cheeks for a couple seconds. I could not imagine losing one of my brothers anytime soon. I guess this could be the analysis that I'm afraid of losing everyone important to me. After losing my mom as abruptly as I did, I'm just afraid it will happen to the ones I care about. I would lose my mind.
I, for some reason, was battling the baby-boomers and my brothers were killed. Sam was buried underneath the bleachers. The bleachers were facing the stage where one of the youths was announcing our victory over the baby-boomers. I went under the bleachers were my friend Ericka was observing the stone grave (I haven't seen or talked to Ericka in well over two years, and we were only surface friends). It was a circle of stones and a small headstone with his name on it (it was comparable to the grave we made for our dog that died when we were younger). She told me she was sorry... I stared at the grave in disbelief that my brother was gone. The next scene I remember was me running across a darkened street with a gun in my hand, and I was apparently going to the restaurant that my other brother works at currently. But I was going there to reassure myself that he, too, was dead. He died in some battle as well.
I woke up and told Joey that I had a terrible dream.. that my brothers both died in this weird battle. The tears just came... it wasn't a sobbing cry, but tears ran down my cheeks for a couple seconds. I could not imagine losing one of my brothers anytime soon. I guess this could be the analysis that I'm afraid of losing everyone important to me. After losing my mom as abruptly as I did, I'm just afraid it will happen to the ones I care about. I would lose my mind.
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